Laws of Emotions

Here's another letter to Jack series I thought you might want to see...
My dear Jack, let me teach you two laws to be cognizant of in this relationship. The two laws seem obvious, sound almost stupid. Yet they’re so potent and powerful. Sometimes, laws and principles seem so obvious. Take gravity for example. It seems so obvious. And yet that law determines a whole lot of things. You couldn’t fly without taking cognizance of gravity. The things that are obvious in life are sometimes so consequential, sometimes so potent. I came upon these two laws of relationship as I meditated on my bed very early one morning and I thought to share with you. 

As a man, your emotional pool is pretty shallow. Women have a deeper emotional pool. That lack of emotional depth manifests in men not crying over many things, being rational, not being emotional. And society conditions men not to express emotions, not to cry. Men don’t cry is a rite of passage mantra. These invariably play out in a relationship. And so you can’t understand a woman’s emotions, not without effort. Think of it like a swimming pool. She’s at the deep end of the pool, you’re at the shallow end. Even though both of you are in the pool, yet your experiences and fears differ. At your shallow end, there’s not much threat you’re facing. But at her deep end, the potential for catastrophe is greater. She can be drowned in the pool of emotions because she’s at the deep end. You’re not. And so what she guards against will be more significant than what you do. To the woman, the man will come across as insensitive. That’s because he’s a native of the shallow end of the emotional pool. And to the man, the woman will come across as too emotional because she’s at the deep end of the emotional pool. These emotional perspectives have to be managed in a relationship. It means as a man, there are some things you won’t “get”, not unless you make a try. And the woman won’t get why you seem so “cold” and rational because she dwells at the deep end of emotional pool. Thus women tend to be more empathetic because of their emotional habitat. In a sense, the difference in perspective is not the fault of either sexes, but the burden is on you as a man. The Peterist principle is that you should relate to your wife/girlfriend from a knowledge perspective. If you don’t understand her emotional range, you’re going to run into trouble in your relationship. You’ll come across as unfeeling if you don’t try and understand where she’s coming from emotionally. There’s thus a sensitivity issue men naturally have in a relationship because of their makeup. 

The two laws I’m talking about will help you process her emotionalism RATIONALLY, so you have less trouble. Here’s the first law of emotional range: Whatever makes her happy she takes seriously. Yeah, I know that sounds stupid but like we said, stupid sounding principles are very potent stuff. Let me elaborate and give you understanding of this “stupid” principle. If she spends hours on end putting together what she’ll wear during the week, it means fashion means a lot to her. And so she’ll spend many hours in her closet matching shoes, bags and accessories with apparel. Her plan for the week. Not all women are like this. But there are those these things mean a lot to. There’s so much detailing and particularization, and so much effort and intelligence involved. There’s consideration of shades of colour. That’s how you get to know there are 256 shades of red. Even the emotional quality of leather is considered. There’s glossy leather, and there’s matte. Such a lady will spend two lifetimes in a store, making sure she maximises her spend. You’ll be shocked how much talent is at play in such an endeavour. It just means fashion means a lot to her, makes her happy and you’d be foolish to dismiss that. That’s because that first law of emotional range states that anything that makes her happy she takes seriously. So take another look at the ablutions of your woman and find out what she takes seriously. That’s a clue right there as to what makes her happy, what’s important to her. If she prepares arduously for parties and displays emotional energy for the rigour, it means parties make her happy. You may not be of such disposition, but it will be foolish of you to dismiss such. She’s extroverted. It’s wiser to deal with her from that point of knowledge, rather than trying to prevent her from going to functions. You may succeed on one or two occasions but you’re courting trouble in that relationship. She’ll be unhappy. It’s no use trying to cure that nature. Let it be. Use the knowledge. If you look back to the start of the relationship, you’ll discover she’s always been that way. She only adjusted to make your relationship feasible and possible. Plus she was in love with you. An older wiser man will know how to deal with such reality but because you’re young it’s become a problem. If she’s of peripatetic disposition, marriage won’t cure that wandering walkabout spirit. Will only highlight it. Here’s the second law of emotional range: Whatever gives her pain and anguish is anguish to her. If you see her despair and become sorrowful over something, it means there’s a real fear attached to that thing. You’ve got to take it seriously, or one day she’s just going to snap or break down, even threaten to leave. If for example your family is disrespectful of her home, or your mother is oppressive, and she’s anguished, take it seriously. It may be irrational, it may not make sense to you, but to her it’s real. It’s why she’s in anguish. Such anguish often goes to her deep-seated fears, even insecurity. It’s why you need to address the issue. Security means a lot to women. Do everything you can to make her FEEL secure, not just secure. If you pay attention to these two laws, your relationship will work better. I’ve given you rational tools for dealing with her emotions.
Your mentor, Leke Alder