...STILL A VIRGIN?

My dear Jil, please help pass this on to Mary, your sister. She wrote me last me week asking for advice.

My dear Mary, I don’t get it – why should you apologise for your virginity, or feel ashamed? And why should you apologise for your faith in Christ? That’s your civil right and it’s fundamental. Your faith provides you moral compass. We all need moral compass in life. Life is too wide and long. You’re young. Even old men struggle to find their way through life. Moses didn’t get it right until 80! Had a 40-year hiatus.

A moral compass gives you guidance, shows you which way not to go and leads you in the direction you should. A moral compass gives you an ambit of operation – you operate within its latitude. It keeps you in a safe perimeter. A moral compass is about safety.

Now, some choose to remain virgin till they marry, and some deem otherwise. Some are sexually active and some have decided no more sex until marriage. It all boils down to individual choice. At the end of it all, it boils down to the philosophy we subscribe to. Our choices of sexual values are predicated on our philosophical subscription. For you, your faith is your life philosophy.

That a ubiquitous army of sneering trolls chooses to inveigh on your moral stance shouldn’t bother you. Not one bit. Whose business is it whether you choose to remain a virgin or not! It’s YOUR life, it’s YOUR choice, it’s YOUR body, it’s YOUR values. It’s nobody’s business! Man is a free moral agent, a chartered liberty. We’re free to do as we deem with our lives. God recognises this right. But of course we also must respect God’s rights as sovereign Lord. We must reciprocate his gesture and goodwill.

There will always be the cynics. There will always be the scornful. Don’t ever follow their counsel. And there will be those who regard you as a prehistoric relic of a bygone era, just because you’re a virgin! But here’s something you need to learn about human nature: the motivation of the heart of man is never apparent. Who knows the REAL reason they’re making fun of you! For all you know someone may just be feeling condemned by your virginal stance; or it may just be envy. It’s the same logic at play when people make fun of the conscientious student in class. They’ll even nickname him. Yet he’s the one doing the right thing. And the exam results soon prove that fact. In other words, people’s reaction to our stance is not indicative of the rightness or wrongness of our conviction. Should the conscientious student then stop studying because people make fun of him? Of course not!

In the same way, it will be ridiculous for you to harpoon your faith to please those harassing you. Even if the whole world makes fun of you, be sure to stand by your conviction. Didn’t they mock Noah? Don’t compromise your chastity to please the world. Who made these people judge over you anyway? And so the larger issue is really conviction – your personal conviction. Don’t violate your ethical scruples by cowering to the dictates of a baying crowd. The conviction of the masses is always suspect. It always swings. Those who shout hosanna one day have been known to shout crucify him the next day.

There is something called defiance of faith in the face of ignominious scorn. You must learn to exercise that option if you want to succeed in life. They can no more make fun of you than you can make fun of them. Everyone has a right to his or her conviction. Now, here’s the irony: some of the people making fun of virgins actually want to marry virgins. They want to hit it first. And some of the people who want to marry virgins are the very ones who disvirgined others, then dumped them. These are instances of inverted logic. But remember what I told you about human nature. It’s twisted.

You’ve got to learn to hold on to your personal convictions, especially your moral perpendicularity & upbringing. If you don’t learn the resilience of personal conviction, public opinion will oppress you and determine your life. And humans have an opinion on everything, including things that are of no concern to them. And they feed off third hand information. Witness the judgments passed on social media daily. If you can’t maintain your stand on this issue, even your choice of husband will also be the subject of referendum. You will be seeking validation from wrong sources – fickle self-appointed validators who feed on prurience. You don’t need the validation of these people. Who are they? What can they do to you really? All they can do is talk, make fun of you. And then what?

There are men out there who’ll applaud and appreciate your moral stance, who see you as what mama ordered. That other guy just got frustrated because you wouldn’t sleep with him. There are those who’ll appreciate your self-discipline. Virginity requires discipline and control. And self-discipline is a wonderful virtue. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Learn to stand by your conviction, to live by your conviction, to live by conviction. The Pauline enunciation of sex is that sex is not just a physical act: “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin.” That sex without commitment and intimacy makes us lonelier than ever. And marriage is the institutional platform of commitment and intimacy. That’s the philosophy of your faith. Sex is the physical articulation of the principle of oneness.

Now, if others are not ashamed of their disvirginity, why should you be ashamed of your virginity? And if your virginity gives you good conscience before God, by all means keep it till you marry. After all, it is Him with whom we all have to do at the very end.

I’ll touch on the other issues you raised in my next correspondence. Enjoy your singleness.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder